When I was told several years ago I take a long time to process things I opened my mouth to disagree, but I could not. She was right. I don't like to make rash judgements or wrong decisions, I don't want to rush ahead of what God may want to do in my life or a particular circumstance, so I process. I think it may have something to do with how my mom and dad made decisions. I recall major purchases took a year or more to make. My dad talked a very long time about getting a big screen tv, maybe a year or more until he finally bought it.
All that to say I have been spent immeasurable amounts of time processing the day my friend went home to be with Jesus. Yesterday was six months and I have been profoundly affected by her death. Barb went to bed on a Tuesday night, seemingly all was well, but she did not wake up. Rob and I rushed to their house very early that morning to be with her husband and daughter. Sitting down in her chair, there were her shoes, already for the next day. Hours later I was in her kitchen tidying up and her cell phone rang from her purse, another reminder Barb would not be answering it. I cannot shake the feeling, the truth of what God's Word says about life. My life is a mist, a fog, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring. (James 4:4) I certainly do not want to be morbid, sad or depressed about life. There is too much life to be lived to be in the doldrums. The holidays are approaching, the sun is shining in central New York and I am enjoying friends and family.
I've come to the conclusion her life and death would be wasted if I didn't find a way to honor the Lord in my life, be a more diligent follower of Jesus and write about the Greatest Story ever told. I don't dwell on the fact she is gone, although I miss her more than I can say, and still have a very hard time talking about her. What I want to dwell on is the fact I need to live today with every intention of loving God with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my mind and love my neighbor as myself. I don't want to hang my hat on what kind of house I live in, what kind of car I drive, if I have enough money in the bank or if the latest styles hang in my closet. I want my heart to be at home in the Word of God, and know God better everyday, above anything or anyone.
This post may not convey the sense that my heart is singing, God is very good and I look forward to waking up tomorrow, driving to Albany to pick up Hannah who is visiting for Thanksgiving and preparing for one of my favorite holidays. But even in the long processing of death, the sun still shines.