Navel Gazing

1990 was a long time ago..well not that long ago, but trying to remember the years 1990-1996 where we spent our second pastorate, are bit of a blur. I made lifelong friends here in northern Indiana, many of them forever tatooed on my heart. We just vacationed with one of the families in Washington D.C. Our third child, a daughter, was born here making me the mother of a 4 1/2 year old active  boy, a 2 1/2 year old daughter who had  captured our hearts and a newborn. I do remember requiring naps or quiet time so I could lay on the couch or read my Bible.  God was near and my refuge even if my times with Him were brief but consistent. I loved being a wife and mother and made time to teach a women's Bible study where I made those life long friends. The fall of 1996 we answered the call to pastor in New York and enter the Christian & Missionary Alliance denomination. This move was by far my most difficult. I had left the friends God had given me, we began our homeschool journey with this move taking us further from family in the southwest and midwest. What was I to do with lonliness, fear and isolation my only companions? I did love the people, once again jumping in with both feet as God had called us to shepherd a new flock. But I was very unhappy, finding proof of this unhappiness in Christmas videos we watched this past week. Pictures do not lie. On one of the most joyous times of the year, I was a miserable mess. The joy of the Lord was not missing...well maybe it was. I was so focused on what God had taken away from me I couldn't see what He wanted to teach me. He was near, but I was asking 'why' God? instead of 'what' Lord do you want displayed in my life?  I was miserable, not because of my husband or children, or our church. I had become a navel gazer.   

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